Tanka 03.29.15

COYOTE-largeDamn that coyote
that tricked her two decades, barked
louder than hearts truth
howling constant blame and fear
to bury her deep knowing


The coyote in this Tanka is the metaphysical concept that “we create our own reality by our thoughts.” Years ago I wrote a screenplay and was getting it to some big production companies, getting rejected, but very confident that I would find one to make the film, because I was living in positive affirmations, high with writing, knew it was my calling, and had finally created something major. After a rejection from Lakeshore Productions (the reader said it was one of the best written scripts that ever came across his desk, but he didn’t think anyone would ever buy a ticket to it), I was pretty sad because a friend of mine had dated the Executive Producer and the three of us had gone out and had a great night partying, so I had been quite hopeful. However, I intended to plug on. That night I had my first grand mal seizure in my sleep and was raced to the emergency room. After I was diagnosed with epilepsy, a number of people who believe “our thinking creates our reality” (concept that later came out in “The Secret”) insisted that I created the illness by my thinking and needed to purge something deep inside me to heal. Louise Hay, in “You Can Heal Your Life,” suggests that epilepsy is caused by a feeling of persecution. So I was led to believe that I felt persecuted deep down from the rejections of my screenplay. I made a few more tries to sell it, then gave up on it. I started writing some other scripts but never finished. My drinking accelerated. I averaged 4 grand mal/tonic clonic seizures a year at three month intervals for 15 years that were each extremely brutal but some far more brutal than others. I felt like I was being punished by God for pursuing my dream. I also wrapped my head around the idea that I was subconsciously doing this to myself by my thinking. Something inside me eventually started taking issue with “The Secret” concept, and I began arguing, ad nauseam at times, that our health involves mind, body and spirit, not just the mind. People who believe The Secret don’t like to hear that, but I knew this was true because poison kills, regardless of your damn thinking! Even though I have now healed epilepsy (a disease with no cure) — healed it by chelating the heavy metals out of my brain and body, and by eating a pesticide-free raw vegan diet for 4 years — it wasn’t until yesterday, in a deep meditation, that I uncovered that I’ve been blocking all my major writing attempts because deep down I still feared that any further rejection would feed the deep feeling of subconscious persecution and clobber me with grand mal seizures or worse. This realization is mega! I mourn a long stretch of lost writing time, but celebrate the new knowing that I’m going to finish this novel and I’m not going to get ruthlessly clobbered/punished/beaten/crunched by my subconscious for doing it! This is such a relief! Thanks for listening– to anyone who bothered to read this. Love you! OxxO

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